Married Freaks

Dear Gertrude,

You really creeped me out when you sent me that friend request on MyFace. I mean we had cruised along for ten peaceful years of me not hearing anything from you and then you tried to contact me out of the blue like that. What the crap? I didn’t want to hear from you. You know all those times you bumped into my friends and asked them to have me call you and then I didn’t? Those weren’t an accident. My friends didn’t forget to deliver your message. I was perfectly happy not talking to you and that’s why I didn’t call. You ever wonder why you never bumped into me? It’s because when I saw you out and about I avoided your ass! I was always more observant than you and I can make sure you never see me again even by coincidence. Just in case you forgot the order of events you broke up with me and then I wouldn’t have you back when you came crawling back. That was deliberate. I rejected you on purpose and I stand by the decision.

Then I saw your wedding announcement and then the pics. Alright. I get it. You aren’t trying to rekindle anything with me – you’re trying to clean your slate. Why we as humans feel the need to clear out our closets when we enter into permanent relationship status is anybody’s guess. Each of us has this stupid need to burn all the bridges – to eliminate all of the options. It’s as though we think that will strengthen the young commitment. Well you know what? I wasn’t available to you anyway. I wasn’t an option for you. Even if I didn’t have Penelope all this time, I wouldn’t take you back. I wouldn’t piss on you with a stolen dick if you were the last woman on earth with a bag over your head. It’s not an accident that we aren’t together and I don’t appreciate you acting otherwise.

But seriously. He looks like a nice man. I hope for his sake that he’s either a spineless pussy that doesn’t mind you pushing him around or that he’s an overbearing asshole that won’t put up with your shit. From your pics the two of you obviously make more money than Penny and I. Congratulations. Your parents must be so proud. You’ve got all the shit you ever wanted. That’s exactly why we couldn’t be together anymore. Shit is more important to you than people. And pleasing your parents was always your top priority. Do you know what I have that you could never give me? Do you know what I have that you can never attain? Penelope. You can’t even imagine the crazy kind of stuff that we do together simply because we like spending time together. You have your career and Mr. Wonderful has his career and you’ll never do half the crazy shit that Penny and I do. And I’m not talking about bedroom stuff either although I’d bet the assertion still applies.

No. Unless you’ve changed a lot your priorities are to keep working so you can buy stuff. You’ll never be happy that way. You wouldn’t take my advise when we were together so I know you won’t take it now. But I’m going to offer it anyway. You two need to work the same schedule. Don’t work any more than 40 hours a week. Even less is better. It may lead to less money but you don’t need a whole bunch of shit to be happy. You should always be on his side and vice versa. Have hobbies in common. Never treat him like he’s a child. Treat him as an equal. Accept no different from him. Make sure you are his greatest ally against all else and his closest friend. In other words he needs to be your top priority and you need to be his. Have babies together but never put them ahead of each other. Have your love at the expense of your career if necessary.

But unless you’ve changed a lot it’s not going to happen. Like the leopard’s spots I don’t think you’re capable of it. I hope for your sake and his that I’m wrong about that. Oh and – about burning bridges, this is how you do it. Then again you always were the noncommittal type. Anyway congratulations on your marriage. I give it five years tops. Don’t come crying to me when it falls apart on you. Don’t make me break up with you yet again. This shit gets old.

Never yours,

Clint J.