House of Rooms
Posted in Foreplay, Intimacy, Marriage, Sex on 01/04/2011 07:49 pm by Penelope JohnsonIn reading the latest posting in Sexuality Today, I ran across this excerpt from Edith Wharton’s The Fullness of Life.
“I have sometimes thought that a woman’s nature is like a great house full of rooms: there is the hall, through which everyone passes in going in and out; the drawingroom, where one receives formal visits; the sitting-room, where the members of the family come and go as they list; but beyond that, far beyond, are other rooms, the handles of whose doors perhaps are never turned; no one knows the way to them, no one knows whither they lead; and in the innermost room, the holy of holies, the soul sits alone and waits for a footstep that never comes.”
“Your husband,” asked the Spirit, after a pause, “never got beyond the family sitting-room?”
She returned, impatiently; “and the worst of it was that he was quite content to remain there. He thought it perfectly beautiful, and sometimes, when he was admiring its commonplace furniture, insignificant as the chairs and tables of a hotel parlor, I felt like crying out to him: ‘Fool, will you never guess that close at hand are rooms full of treasures and wonders, such as the eye of man hath not seen, rooms that no step has crossed, but that might be yours to live in, could you but find the handle of the door?’”
I love the idea of relating the levels of intimacy to a house of many rooms. There are deeper and deeper places that we allow different people into throughout our lives. And in writing this space, I’m inviting everyone to peek into my windows. I’ve even pulled back the curtain for you.
But in reading this I want to shake this woman. If she wants him in her bedroom so badly, why doesn’t she invite him back? I know I would be quite offended if a guest in my home wandered down the hall and into my bedroom without permission. What is so difficult about coming to the sitting room, taking him by the hand and leading him back? I know that when I want Clint to join me in the bedroom, I certainly don’t just hide back there waiting for him to figure it out.
Back before we shared a bedroom, chivalry dictated that Clint only go so far as to ask permission to come inside. It would have been rude and assuming to just barge right on in. The same is true for deeper levels of intimacy. Your partner can only ask; you’ve got to take the initiative to let them in. You are the one that needs to draw them deeper into yourself.
Intimacy and sexuality go hand in hand. Each flourishes with trust and exploration, so long as you unlock the doors. If your partner isn’t exploring the depths of intimacy with you, maybe you need to let them know they are invited into the bedroom.
Of course, you can always do it in the living room too. 
01/05/2011 at 2:44 am
I was just planning a post on something related to this; the desire to be chased and taken. Some people, possibly including my ex, do not want to talk, do not want to take their partner by the hand. They want to feel that their attractiveness overwhelms their partner’s scruples; and they assume their own limits are the limits of decency. They want their partner to be bad enough to chase them and take them, but good enough to stay within limits that they never explain.
Those of us who will not set foot outside what our partner explicitly consents to do poorly in this scenario.
01/07/2011 at 4:48 pm
Mousie, you are absolutely right. You just described the perfect formula for crash and burn. I’m sorry for your divorce. It is obviously horribly painful. I hope that God’s got someone very special for you. All this pain is just preparing you for where you are going ultimately. At least that’s what life seems to suggest.
01/19/2011 at 4:33 am
“What is so difficult about coming to the sitting room, taking him by the hand and leading him back?”
It’s unexplainable, I guess. There’s fear of rejection and shame ’cause nice girls don’t and embarrassment and discomfort with the words and with my body. There’s the puritanical grandparents and the mother who hated sex and the father who was too open about sex. There’s the boyfriend who laughed and the boyfriend who taught me that no is meaningless.
My brain knows that DH would love me to “take him by the hand” but it’s almost physically impossible. Besides all of the baggage from the past mentioned above, there’s my current desire to stay in the fantasy inside my head (talking by either one of us takes me out) as well as my desire for him to take ME by the hand. Forcefully, IYKWIM.
So, you can’t understand how it could be hard, but I can’t understand how it could be easy!
01/19/2011 at 6:52 pm
It’s true, our own past and baggage can make it difficult. We have to remember that he didn’t leave those scars. (I’m assuming.) And like you, I want him to be forceful with me. But what I am saying is that we can’t just hide back in our bedrooms wishing he would join us. We’ve got to make some effort to let him know we want him there. Maybe we can’t just lead him straight back right at first. But maybe we could suggest he maybe check out the guest room. The more he is invited, the deeper he may be inclined to explore.
The fear of rejection and shame is very real. But the rewards are worth the risk.
01/20/2011 at 8:26 pm
No, he didn’t leave those scars and is largely responsible for what healing of them has taken place.
There’s something in the air–in the week before reading this post, I was reminded that he may need some encouragement from me in order to feel sexy and wanted and thus ready, willing, and able to be forceful. And I’ve been reading naughty books from Ellora’s Cave and Samhain Publishing that get me revved up enough to do the tiniest bit of encouraging, and, what do you know? (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
Baby steps….
01/20/2011 at 8:27 pm
Awesome! Every step counts. Good for you!
01/24/2011 at 4:31 pm
Another important factor to remember is that he may have been given the impression that he was not welcome into those rooms at some point in time. A woman is less like a house with many rooms than she is like an opening flower. If he peels back the petals he’s likely to make a big mess. But when she’s ready she ought to invite him to those special places. Sitting in the front room may be his way of showing respect for her privacy and he may think that’s what she wants. Communication is the answer here.